Learning to fly

Last Post

2006-08-16T17:21:00.000-12:00

i suppose i saw it coming. i didn't want to, but so goes life.

butterfly is saying goodbye.

life has become a little too much for me and i feel like submission doesn't come to play in my life like it should. there are too many things that are flying all over the place and without a Master's active hand to control the chaos so i don't have to, i find that i need to stand with my b and my flowerpetal instead of kneeling at their feet. i don't want to stand, but i will do what i must and hopefully become a better person all around for it.

before i leave, i just want to say a few things. first, i'll be leaving this blog up. maybe someday i'll come back and document my travels through this life once more. also, if anyone wants to check up on my day-to-day, my vanilla blog is at http://sylverose.blogspot.com/

and now, the blogroll.

CLoud - from the beginning, i looked up to You as both a Master and a wise Man. You inspired my thoughts and encouraged me in expanding my mind. i thank You very much for that.

Adam - we haven't known each other for long, which is another reason i am sad to go. keep writing your beautiful poetry, and don't worry, eve is just around the next corner.

MasterABD - You've always presented Your thoughts as clearly as i think possible. i admire how You speak Your mind, but don't seek to impose Your beliefs on others.

pet - we had some funny times. i still remember the discovery of two pets and two Master Rs. i'm sorry we kind of dropped off after...everything. i wish you and your Master the best of everything.

caitlin - i'm not sure if you've ever read here, but i've enjoyed reading your adventures, even if i don't comment.

Roper of Confessions - i've always found You a bit intimidating, to be honest, but i've loved reading Your blog. Your strength in Your words is very impressive to me.

danae - i love how you post like a diary. the day-to-day along with the BDSM. it shows a balance.

Irch and k - *BIG HUGS* gosh, i'm going to miss you two. yours was my first link, remember? it seems like so much has happened since then. ups and downs for all of us. keep the love going, you two, though you hardly need me telling you to.

tigerbites - i know we don't know each other very well, but you've always come off as such a sweetie. best wishes to you.

Rick's toy - i've always enjoyed your posts and felt like i was right there with you through all of your adventures. thank you for journaling.

ling - sweet, sweet ling. back at the beginning, i remember how my heart broke when you left CLoud's stable. i barely knew you, but i felt for you just the same. i wish only the very best for you.

Miss Mija - you're such a sweetie! best of all things to you, sister. heaven knows you deserve it.

If the Collar Fits - i've been reading for a short time, but what i've read, i've liked.

this girl - you appear as a beatiful being with a young soul through your words. i wish you the best in your journey.

padme and Anakin - more whom i will miss greatly. my heart has always gone out to you, sweet padme. remember you are beautiful and you are never alone. Anakin, Your photography has inspired me to pick up my camera again. thank You much for that.

Just Me - another i've been reading a short time, but one i have greatly enjoyed reading.

slave annissa - never with any other blog have my eyes widened as much or me cheeks turned rosy before. continue on your journey - it's a good one.

Ravenna - you are a beautiful writer. please, please never ever stop writing.

Magdelena - i hope things are okay for you and i hope they will forever get better. you reached out to a complete stranger who needed it. for that, i will be forever grateful.

L - write more often! ;)

Sir and littleone - yours were among the first blogs i read and kept reading since. i wish you both the best in your journey.

Tea and Oranges - i found you via Irch and have loved reading your entries. i hope you never stop.

hana - yours is always an enjoyable read. relax, be well, and best wishes.

slave lucy - i'm glad you bypassed your shyness in order to share your journey with Master Michael with us.

intricate pieces - your entries always make me feel something, and that is the goal of any writer. thank you for writing.

Tulsa - i'm sorry to have to leave. i feel like we could be gal pals or something, you know? be well

Taylor - i've always, always enjoyed reading your writing. best of luck in all you pursue. i'll be peeking in. ;)

but remember, this isn't really goodbye, it's just until next time...

A Letter

2006-08-13T11:09:00.000-12:00

Dear E,

You wrote M an apology letter and he decided to forward it to me and P. I don’t know what P thought of it, but I didn’t really care one way or the other. I couldn’t find it within myself to feel anything. Since he forwarded that email, I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind if I really don’t care, or if I’ve just pushed everything down deep so I just feel like I don’t care.

I don’t know whether or not I forgive you, as I begin to type this. I don’t know whether or not I forgive you or it’s that I just don’t care anymore. Maybe a combination of the two. Either way, I neither wanted nor needed your apology. You did horrible things and manipulated us all in ways we probably still don’t talk to each other completely about. I am ashamed to say that I was the most easily manipulated. You manipulated me into jealousy of P and into thinking M wanted to use me, not love me. I have trust issues and, unfortunately, you figured it out long before I did. You used it against me to move me into a position where I was solely dependent on you.

You used P against me. Oh, I bet it frustrated you when you realized my trust issues mostly lie in men. At first you tried to make me jealous because you acting jealous of M moderated my behavior with him so well. You’d tell me about her songs and about the things you’d talk about with her. I didn’t get jealous, though, did I? I knew that I should be jealous, but I wasn’t really. Then you turned into the victim you’d molded me into being to get me away from M. You told me how she didn’t understand you and how bad she was for you. You’d tell me the issues, the fights, everything. It didn’t make sense.

You got me so confused that I didn’t know which way to turn. You wrote about how much you loved her just to keep me sad enough to need to come to you. Then you’d tell me how much you’d always love me even after you married her. Then you “crashed” when I told you I refused to be “the other woman” with a married man. You moved me into a corner where I wanted to reach out to her, my sister, but I was afraid to do so. You made me miserable when she was hurting and I tried to get you to at least talk to her and make her feel better. You kept me from offering the full comfort I so wanted to give to her.

You made me think M thought of me as a figurehead, not as a woman. His woman. You made me feel like he would sacrifice me at the tip of a hat if it could get him what he wanted. No matter how much I battled you on it, you fed the fire and twisted his words to make me believe. You convinced me that I didn’t know the ways of men so you would protect me from my ignorance. My ignorance always seemed to do with M. You made every little hurt inflicted by him seem like the end of the world. You did that so much that I truly begin to wonder if perhaps I was being treated that badly and just didn’t realize it.

I wanted nothing more than to protect you and you used that against me. You let me become a monster in M and P’s eyes. You let me sacrifice myself more times than I can count to save you, and then you laughed about it while I cried. You crashed every time I started having a good time with M so I had to cut him off even more so you wouldn’t “suicide” or go back to your “drugs”. Every time I got even a little close to exposing you, you’d crash and appeal to the nurturer in me so I wouldn’t say anything more. You told me all of the things M and P were supposedly saying behind my back. You even learned to use what M said about getting me healthier as a weapon. You would use his words to mean that if he wanted to change me, he didn’t really love me.

I don’t trust easily - especially men - but somehow you got me to trust you. To you I revealed my childhood, I gave you my trust, I let you lead me through all I was curious about. And you could hurt me with a single word. With all that, you still let me suffer. When I did anything self-injury, you didn’t try to understand why I was doing it; you gave me an ultimatum: If I did it, you got to. Then, when you needed to manipulate me some more, you went ahead and “confessed” to doing it anyway. When I overdosed on codeine trying to commit suicide, all you did was tell me the signs of overdose. When I had all the signs, never once did you encourage me to get out of bed and call an ambulance. I was so out of it, all you would have had to do was say, “butterfly, call an ambulance.” But you didn’t, and had I died, it would have been on your hands.

E, the twenty-year-old butterfly couldn’t care less about what you did. It happened and now I have to deal with the consequences. The twenty-year-old me has pretty much past what happened and just wants to forget and move on. But, I’m not just me. I am a being of the past, present, and future. The present and the future don’t care anymore, but I revealed something to you that I can never un-reveal to you: the little girl in me. The four-year-old me… Had you physically done to a four-year-old what I feel you did emotionally to my inner child, you would be jailed. You gave the child butterfly a safe place to turn to and promised it would be there forever. She trusted that and you.

I have not and will never tell all that happened in the time you were busy being malicious and evil. That is something I can’t deal with right now. All I’ll say is that you did all but destroy the four-year-old within. You gave her sunshine and safety, and then took it all away. You repeated my life history. You raped a little girl and left her naked, abused, violated, and not knowing what she did wrong to deserve such treatment but somehow “knowing” she deserved it anyway.

So maybe I forgive you, maybe I don’t. That’s for me to deal with. You deal with what you did and I’ll deal with all you did to me. But let me make it clear that I don’t want to see you or even hear a whisper of your name. Ever. You will never be a part of my life again.

Just…disappear.

HHNTB!

2006-08-10T18:19:00.000-12:00

Uh, butterfly, isn't it just supposed to be HNT?

Why, yes, dear reader - on any other Thursday. But today is a special Thursday.

HHNTB = Happy Half-Nekkid Thurday Birthday :D

That's right; butterfly has turned the ripe old age of 20. In honor of the occasion, I decided to take part and share a pic. Not too revealing, but i have my slave bracelet on. Hope y'all like.

unconscious mutterings

2006-08-05T17:13:00.000-12:00

feel free to play along

Affair :: cheater

Package :: bomb

Warner :: brothers

Drop :: dead

Balance :: juggle

Shore :: sea

Confirmation :: yes

Nose :: broken

Talking :: endlessly

Bend :: over

without you ~ RENT

2006-08-04T17:26:00.000-12:00

MIMI
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom,
The children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

ROGER
The world revives,

MIMI
Colors renew,

BOTH
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue

MIMI
Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

ROGER
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walks, the lungs breath.
The mind churns!

MIMI
The mind churns!

ROGER
The heart yearns!

MIMI
The heart yearns!

BOTH
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
'Cause I die, without you.

MIMI
Without you.

ROGER
Without you.

BOTH
Without you

unconscious mutterings

2006-07-30T15:12:00.000-12:00

Italy :: bread

Honk :: your horn

Shades :: of grey

Tool :: used

Modern :: technology

Tension :: ever present

Conservative :: tight

Weight :: loss

Insurance :: policy

Political :: person

where is my soapbox?

2006-07-28T06:50:00.000-12:00

MasterABD of Alternative Albany asks why do people blog. He reasons that most people who blog have a private journal where they write their real thoughts and feelings.

i couldn't agree more.

i sat thinking about why i blog and i came up with a couple reasons.

first, blogging gives me connections. i like knowing that can identify with what's going on with people all over the world.

second, i like having a place to put stuff. jokes, my unconscious muttering posts, and things i think might make people who come across my blog smile.

third... i tend to like to preach. blogging is my soapbox. i've been told that if i don't like giving speeches, i should at least write them. well, i do, kind of. and i put them here.

so...why do YOU blog?

a little late...

2006-07-25T15:13:00.000-12:00

Requirements :: timeline

Pizza :: boy

Dating :: men

Issue :: problem

Sharp :: intelligence

Distinguish :: feature

Remote :: distracted

Felony :: charge

Exercise :: dance

Choose :: now

Along with that, i would like to announce the addition of slave lucy to my blog roll. she's shy, so say hello and make her feel welcome. she's on the sidebar under The Light of His Life

More Thoughts

2006-07-22T16:23:00.000-12:00

i very much want to post the contents of a message i received concerning BDSM. Very much so, actually, but i suppose that isn't right, is it, given that i won't ask this person for permission. i simply refuse to, so i must accept that it would be rude of me to post the contents of the message.

i can, however, post my reactions and give general statements about the content.

First off, some people who read this blog have read it longer than others and know my past better than others. They know that i was introduced to this lifestyle by someone i call R who is no longer a part of my life path. Some are part of my "real life" and know things that way. For everyone else, here are the facts:

i have not held a BDSM relationship in physical person. All i have done, all my submission, was done on the faith that i was completing my assignments and not lying my ass off for kicks. All i have experienced has been via chats, email assignments, and the like. Whether or not that loses me respect in the eyes of those who read here, i don't mind. Even if i am somehow less worthy of an opinion because of that, i don't mind.

i am not a special person. i am no more or less significant than the next person. i have my life experiences which is all anyone truly has in the end. And so, i have my opinions. Just because i turn only twenty next month and just because i was only introduced to this way of life at the beginning of this year doesn't mean i shouldn't have opinions; it just means that mine might be silly or misguided more often than the experienced ones.

Moving on to the message.

It was suggested that it was too early for me to be making decisions about a lifestyle. Yes, there is a lot i haven't experienced, gone through, etc, and i want to make it clear here that i'm just thinking. i'm wading through my mind, heart, and soul. i don't claim to be an expert on anything. All i want to figure out is myself.

There are quite a few things i could rant about in the message, but i'd really like to note how much the word "normal" was used. i just don't know. Who declares normalcy? Where is the normalcy police? Do they know the fashion police? :P

Seriously though, i wondered a bit at that. Does this mean i'm abnormal? Who decides if i'm not normal and what makes me that way? It would seem that BDSM people can't enjoy a "normal" relationship, but is not normalcy in the eye of the beholder?

What am i getting at? Well, the tone of things seemed to suggest that i should really try things the "normal" way before making any decisions about this way of life. First, i'm not making any just yet. Second...

i sleep with a collar on at night. i find it comforting and it gives me a sense that there is more than me, i am not the biggest thing in the world, and that i'm not meant to control everything. i submit to plenty of things in my life and the collar symbolizes that, even though a collar usually symbolizes submission to your Master.

If nothing else, i have that. i could say submission sucks and i hate it like i hate celery, but i will still have that the collar is a real comfort to me. i also have that i respectfully submit to Roger and other Doms before i realize what's going on. i may not have my head bowed because i need to see the screen, but my body still urges me to get to my knees and bow to my head.

This is my normal. No matter what my background, the collar, the kneeling, the head bowed, and the respect, it's all normal to me. But that's not normal to the person who sent me the message. Following a certain line of logic, i could call that person's way of doing things abnormal. It's not the way i do it, so naturally it's not normal.

i apologize if i'm being confusing, but for every "us" there is a "them" and frankly, i'm sick of it. All i want is to find out what i need, what i want, and what makes me happy. If that's wearing a collar to bed, then people will just have to deal with it. Maybe i'll decide that wearing boxers is abnormal because i don't do it. (Actually, i do sometimes, but work with me.)

So i'll wear my collar, Y/you wear Y/your boxers, and we can all be a big, mostly happy, abnormal family and stop telling each other what's "normal".

life's a dance

2006-07-20T15:18:00.000-12:00

After R was no longer in my life, i had to really examine a few things. First and foremost, submission. i’m not going to sit here and say that R made me do it all, that i’m not a submissive, and that the whole thing was a flight of fancy. For better or worse, R did bring out a very real part of me. i did the research, i know how things made me feel - the good and bad - and i also don’t have to wear my collar some nights because it serves as a comfort.

i’ve had people tell me i’m not the sub type, but is there a sub “type”? Confessions of an English Gentleman listed seven, but even the subs who commented there usually mentioned being some sort of combination of those. Even CLoud, who is a Master, also happens to be a sub. (The lovely world of switches.)

i’ve also had those like Roger and mimi tell me that they can see the submissive in me. Even as a new submissive, fumbling along through my research and learning proper etiquette around Roger and a friend of His, apparently, the “it” factor was there.

So, as is only right, i had to figure out things for myself. This is a LIFEstyle. No little look - a major introspection of oneself.

The thing is, i have a habit of listening to everyone else. i’m not going to this time, but it is hard. Roger and mimi are unexpected and greatly valued friends. b and flower petal are the best people in the world anyone could as for as supports and more than i deserve.

And yet, this is my thinking, my introspection, and my choice. If i don’t know what kind of submissive i am or want to be, then the people who tell me it’s not for me certainly won’t know. If i don’t know what kind of submissive i am or want to be, then the people who tell me that it is definitely for me can’t tell me what path to take in my life.

So it goes.

sigh

2006-07-17T08:35:00.000-12:00

alas, i'm a bit sad today. i have a long and in-depth blog post...in my notebook, which i don't have with me at the moment.

i also think i've managed to offend the Dom and sub, i'll call them Roger and mimi in honor of my favorite musical, who cared for me after R was no longer in my life. i'm not sure what i did, but it greatly saddens me. i care for them not only as friends, but as people who cared for a stranger.

i wish i knew what i did.

i'll get to posting what i have written soon.

Unconscious Mutterings

2006-07-17T08:13:00.000-12:00

Video :: Camera

Fantasy :: Island

Homework :: bleck

Crush :: *

Late :: Night

Husband :: to be

Soccer :: Game

Wine :: List

Before :: After

Romantic :: Heart

scattered thoughts

2006-07-11T16:35:00.000-12:00

so, i have things here and there to talk about. not one subject for one blog post.

first, i got a lesson in being humble while i was at work today. i work at the goodwill and over the years, my mother and i always got checked out by this one blond woman. at first i thought she was a complete bitch, but then she started warming up to us because my mom always had a smile on her face and nice things to say to the woman.

the tables turned and in my job as a cashier, i got to serve her.

kind of a cool turnaround, isn't it?

~

i'm sooooo sore from working. i'm just a desk job kinda gal. i like desk jobs. stick me in a cubicle, i don't care. i like desk jobs as long as i don't have to be on the phone all day. (i have issues with phones)

anyway, i was thinking, i do have a thing for pain. doesn't matter who, what, when, where, or why for the things in my life, i do have at least a little thing for it and i accept that about myself.

now, given that, i was thinking that i should be enjoying the pain, right? like the soreness across my shoulders, down my calves, yada yada. but i don't really. my feet hurt, i have a headache, and i am bloody sore people!

so, picky masochist anyone? :)

~

i'm still balancing out all of the physical and mental health issues. i go back to my doc on the 21st for my ful body physical as well as a bunch of other junk. they'd better not take any more blood, damnit.

anyway, i was thinking about k's and moomin's comments. i figure pcos is probably more common than i realize.

so, i'm asking those two and anyone else to please give me a shout either in a comment, email, or whatever to tell me about your experiences with pcos.

what do you do about it? medications? do you have any special diets or eating regulations? how about pregnancy? have you tried or are trying to have children? if so, what things do you have to do for that?

also, b has pointed me to some articles that link bipolar and depression to pcos. are any of you dealing with things like that?

one last thing - my doctor thinks i might be anemic as well. anyone dealing with that?

anywho, that's it for now. i'll try to write something good and thought provoking sometime soon

unconscious mutterings

2006-07-09T15:25:00.000-12:00

Face it :: head on

Healthy :: libido (*giggle*)

Cartoon :: cat

Device :: electrical

Raider :: of the lost ark

Closer :: intimate

Admission :: confession

Culture :: shock

Stakes :: horseshoes

Heartbroken :: song

adam in the shower!!

2006-07-08T15:39:00.000-12:00

no, i'm not talking about adam in the shower. rather, adam and being in the shower. i was showering off the work grime and something adam said on a comment hit me. he said that i was not only learning to talk, but learning to listen.

why is this important?

i was so very proud of learning to properly express myself. i was speaking, speaking clearly, and doing it without strong (often negative) emotions.

i hadn't thought that b was doing the exact same thing. well, maybe not exact, but the fact is we really have to learn how to talk to each other. a large part of that is learning to listen, really listen.

so, thanks adam.

guess who went to the doctor

2006-07-07T15:30:00.000-12:00

i'm feeling crappy, moody, and i really feel like being pouty. so skip over this. i'll write something good later.

i went to the doc today and was really nervous because one, i had to talk about the mental/emotional stuff and two, i just get nervous with the doc anyway. so, after having one of the longest appts i've ever had, we went over the two issues i wanted to talk about - my mental stuff, and about my lovely polycystic ovaries. so, with about thirty pages of information and six tubes of blood less, i came home to grump about a bit. want to learn more? then learn with me.

brought to you by webmd and womentowomen.com...

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder used to be known as manic depression. It's a serious illness, one that can lead to risky behavior, damaged relationships and careers, even suicidal tendencies -- if it's not treated.

Bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme changes in mood (poles) -- from mania to depression. Between these mood swings, a person with Bipolar disorder may experience normal moods.

"Manic" describes an increasingly restless, energetic, talkative, reckless, powerful, euphoric period. Lavish spending sprees or impulsive risky sex can be irresistible. Then, at some point, this high-flying mood can spiral into something darker -- irritation, confusion, anger, feeling trapped.

"Depression" describes the opposite mood -- sadness, crying, sense of worthlessness, loss of energy, loss of pleasure, sleep problems.

But because the pattern of highs and lows varies for each person, bipolar disorder is a complex disease to diagnose. For some people, mania or depression can last for weeks or months, even for years. For other people, bipolar disorder takes the form of frequent and dramatic mood shifts.

"There's a whole spectrum of symptoms and mood changes that have been found in bipolar disorder," says Michael Aronson, MD, a clinical psychiatrist and consultant for WebMD. "It's not always dramatic mood swings. In fact, some people seem to get along just fine. The manic periods can be very, very productive. They think things are going great."

The danger comes, he says, when the mania grows much worse. "The change can be very dramatic, with catastrophic results. People can get involved in reckless behavior, spend a lot of money, there may be sexual promiscuity, sexual risks."

The depressed phases can be equally dangerous: A person may have frequent thoughts of suicide.

If you or someone you know has thoughts of death or suicide, contact a health-care professional, loved one, friend, or call 911 immediately.

Bipolar disorder is equally difficult for families of those affected. The condition is the most difficult mental illness for families to accept, Aronson tells WebMD. "Families can more easily accept schizophrenia, to understand that it is an illness. But when a person is sometimes very productive, then becomes unreasonable or irrational, it wreaks more havoc on the family. It seems more like bad behavior, like they won't straighten up."

If this rings true -- either for you or a loved one -- the first step in tackling the problem is to see a psychiatrist. Whether it's bipolar disorder or another mood-related problem, effective treatments are available. What's most important is that you recognize the problem, and start looking for help.

fun stuff, no?

learning to speak

2006-07-03T21:03:00.000-12:00

it's no big news that a lot of my moodiness centers around b. we have supplied each other with the best of the best and worst of the worst when it comes to friendships, relationships, breaking up, getting back together, and everything else that goes along with just knowing a person.

of late, it seemed like we'd entered a spiral, always ending up hurt and drifting even in the basest ways until we'd try to start over again. when i thought we were talking, he didn't; when he thought we were talking, i didn't. we were barely surviving as acquaintences and were heading to being casual people who say hello if they see each other on the street.

tonight, though, b and i had a heart to heart talk about everything that we had on our minds. we've had in-depth chats before, but this one was different. how? i think i showed my true colors and so did he. i told him about what has been happening and he told me the same from his point of view. we compared notes.

after that, i tried a little something that worked quite well, in my opinion. for each negative thing i mentioned that hurt when he said or did, i mentioned something that he said or did that i really liked or appreciated.

i think doing that helped to enforce that i wasn't attacking him, but rather just stating how i felt about things.

to help with my moods and my health, i very much rely on the stable things in my life, no matter how big or small. talking to flowerpetal near every night. a message from b every day. even just brushing my teeth in the morning. having cleared things with b helps things all the more.

all in all, a pretty damn good night.

unconscious mutterings

2006-07-01T16:54:00.000-12:00

mkay, my third or so post tonight, but oh well.

That :: this

Fishbowl :: aquarium

Church :: ooard

All about :: this

Fist :: fire

Tagline :: joke

Agree :: disagree

Leak :: sprung

Jessica :: simpson

Superman :: bullet

life songs

2006-07-01T16:33:00.000-12:00

As we go through our lives, there are songs that define us in the moment, songs that define us in the season of our life, and the songs that always seem to stick with us, resonate for reasons we can say and others we can't. i've had songs that have defined moments and seasons, but there have been few that have stuck with me throughout the years. One of these songs is And So It Goes by Billy Joel. i can't now and never have been able to tell anyone why it means anything to me. i just know it does. i like to listen to it, sing it, and play it on the piano. i never get sick of it, it calms me when i'm hyper and comforts me when i'm sad. So here is me sharing a little piece of me with anyone who reads here.

And So It Goes - Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

made for a desk job

2006-07-01T15:27:00.000-12:00

i'm finally back home and settled in after a steaming hot shower and a bath as hot as the water would go. for all the new people i have met, for all the interesting things i have found (i work in donations at the local Goodwill), i have one word:

oooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

this part-time woman has been getting eight-hour days and i have to say i am sore as hell. about halfway through my shift, i was ready to either burst out crying or pass out. i'm glad no one keeps too close an eye on me because i caught myself wavering back and forth a bit at the really hot times of the day. i've been drinking about a liter of water per break, so i've been doing good other than that.

thank goodness i have off tomorrow. i am sooooo sore. i'm starting to feel it in my shoulders from lifting all the heavy stuff. bleck.

sorry for complaining, but i'd forgotten i had all these muscles.

saying hi

2006-06-29T17:21:00.000-12:00

i have to admire people who post every day. truly. i just don't feel like i have that much to say about anything. either way, i've been meaning to post something and have started many times, but it seemed i couldn't complete the thought. hopefully i'll get some ideas at my new job and will be able to post something with some substance soon.

addicted to tags

2006-06-26T18:30:00.000-12:00

i love tags and i am not above tagging myself. i stole this one from Taylor

1) Bold what is true about you.
2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
4) Tag five friends.

* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I own lots of books
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes. As opposed to constantly.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast.
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
* I have a lot of friends.
* I have pecked someone of the same sex.
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop and/or window shop.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently like/love someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I'm not allergic to anything.
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Republican.
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job(s).
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced.
* I walk barefoot wherever I can.
* I have jumped off a bridge.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted. [By my mom's second husband, but my mom is my biological mom]
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people.
* I adore bright colors.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in.
* I talk in my sleep.
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner. [Rarely do, though]
* I'm an artist.
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries or provinces
* I am extremely flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I want to own my own business. I'll never get rich working for somebody else.
* I smoke. [Today, anyhow]
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I've been married and am now divorced.
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
* I like most animals better than most people.
* I own a collection of retro game consoles.
* The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
* I have hit someone with a dead fish.
* I have written/read erotic stories.
* I am compulsively honest.
* I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
* I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
* I have gone from wishing I was a boy to revelling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
* I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
* I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
* I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
* I dislike milk.
* I obsessively wash my hands.
* I always carry something significant around with me.
* Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
* I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
* Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.
* I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.
* I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
* I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time I was v. little
* Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.
* I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
* I do not 'get' most comedy acts.
* I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.
* I don't like to chew gum.
* I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.
* I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car. [Easy to do when you don't own a car]
* Had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
* I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.
* I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.
* I love to sing.
* I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.
* I have a custom-built computer.
* I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
* I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.
* I've gone skinny-dipping.
* I've performed in three plays, all of them Shakespeare.
* I enjoy burritos.
* I'm Irish and lovin' it.
* I have a thing for redheads. [only women though]
* I am a twin!
* Most times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.
* Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
* I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.
* I wish I could do High School all over again.
* I have big interest swings every year.
* I have loved Pokemon since the beginning and continue to do so.
* There's no genre of music I dislike.
* I've read every work written by my favorite author(s)
* No matter how much I sleep, I'm always tired.
* I'd rather eat out than cook.
* I am obsessed with actors that are older than I am.
* I can move my little toes independently.
* I enjoy purchasing and wearing articles of clothing and/or accessories that have skulls on them.
* I trip over my own feet at least once a week.
* I hate not knowing how to love
* I still fantasize once in a while about an ex.
* I find incredible freedom in being restricted.
* I love being housebound in a blizzard.
* I am, for some reason, able to cook rice and have it turn out

Tags - if you read this all the way through, then consider yourself tagged

people

2006-06-25T17:29:00.000-12:00

some of you may remember a few posts back when i got on the train of self-diagnosis and was more or less sure that i had a certain mental disorder. i knew i needed more research, but there were so many pieces that fit together, some pieces that made sense for the first time in my life.

i have since backed away from self-diagnosis. i'm not sure if it's like this for everyone, but i find that i can too often get caught in the "what if" factors instead of nailing down the "what is" factors and going from there.

i have been talking to b and flowerpetal a lot through this all, as they have either been the witnesses or sometimes even victims of my moods. i have come to know the value of the outside looking in view as well as the inward looking view from oneself. in many instances, b and flowerpetal have proved invaluable as i muddle through things. i believe that one of the best ways to set things straight in your own mind is trying to explain the situation to someone else. these two have listened with patience and understanding while i try to find the right words.

both, but especially b, are eager to find the reasoning behind what has been going on with me and the things that have been going on with me. which is what brings me to this blog post.

they might not know this (but they will soon) but i feel very caught in the middle sometimes. it's the fault of neither of them. it's completely me. i am very emotionally sensitive (and unstable at that) of late, which makes me crave stability wherever i can find it. my stability is often found in b and flowerpetal. they have more than once proven their ability to stay solid for me when i need it. they have gotten along so well that they have often stood together as one solid pillar in my mind. that's what makes me so troubled now.

they argued a night or so back, which is highly unusual unless there is a lot they haven't told me. not that it's any of my business. anyway, going on my experience, they don't fight that often, if at all. i got one version of events from her and a separate one from him. i expected as much, as it usually goes that way. i hope to think that i helped them both a bit, but it's okay if i didn't as much as i hope as long as i just helped a little bit at least.

i thought the issue was that issue and no other. i also thought that the feathers has been settled and everything was okay. an argument about history which, if nothing else, can easily be put up to there being a lot of speculation so agreeing to disagree is just fine.

i later read a blog post by b which lead me to think. a lot. in it he implied that things were more than about just history. there was another element.

me.

simply put, they seem to disagree about the possible reasons behind what's wrong with me, what's actually going on with me, and what avenues should be taken to find out what's really wrong. i'm not sure why i didn't see it coming. i guess maybe i did, but i didn't think it that big of an issue.

i'm so utterly confused most of the time, unsure, not at all confident in anything... to be causing even the slightest ruffling of feathers between these two makes me feel horrible. i know that saying this is likely to get them to decide to keep even more from me because of what b so gently calls "my condition" but i'm going to post this anyway.

i have to be honest. i'm highly tempted to stop talking about any of it, trying to take care of it, and saying "i'll let you know how it goes." a part of me tells me that's the exactly wrong thing to do, but it's not as if i can forbid them from talking about me. this is a very real problem in me and what effects one of us effects the three of us.

i'm just not sure what to do. it takes everything in me to fight the "you are a burden" feelings, and to have them upset with each other in the least bit, especially when i am anywhere near it... like i said, this post will likely make them close off more things from me for my own so-called good, but i had to get this off my chest.

i hate being this. i miss who i was, even if she was a bit off her rocker in her own ways.

Unconscious Mutterings

2006-06-25T16:42:00.000-12:00

Newspaper :: Man

Crucify :: Flame

Sausage :: Bacon

Handy :: Dandy

Cloak :: Shield

Drunk :: On Love

Fuel :: Energy

Caress :: Touch

Itch :: Seven Year

Vehicle :: Tow

Black and White

2006-06-20T18:06:00.000-12:00

i don't claim to be an expert on anything to do with BDSM. it's very likely i never will, and i'm okay with that. i've researched my ass off on all this stuff, especially in the beginning to make sure this wasn't just some "ooo, look at that" poke and prod sort of fascination. but research doesn't make me an expert. sort of like you can know everything there is to know about the English language and also about how to write fiction novels, but that doesn't make you a writer. there is an inner essence that makes someone a true writer.

what am i getting at? well, i just want to remind everyone that i'm just one voice, one newbie who has sniffed around this world, and mostly, that i'm young. i'm young and there are probably oodles of things i don't understand, so when i write things like what i'm about to write, i don't mean to offend anyone, dumb down anything, or anything else. for better or worse, i'm just stating the thoughts that come and go through my mind. that's all. having said that, let's move on.

over the past few days i've done some observing and a little talking. i like probing the waters just as much as the next person. i'm starting to come to the conclusion that with BDSM, you either get it or you just don't.

last night i talked to someone i haven't talked to in months. i'll call him tony with a lowercase 't' not just because he isn't a Dom but because he doesn't deserve even that gesture of respect from me.

anyway, i was talking to tony and after making his usual passes at me and trying to convince me that i loved him, he went on to his next thing - trying to make me jealous by talking about another woman. i still have yet to understand why tony does this as i have clearly stated to him time and time again that i'm not interested, not aroused, and definitely not even single.

grr. moving away from my issues with him.

he was on and on about how this woman of his wanted to be tamed by him and whatnot, but maybe it was really her doing the taming. this went around and i jokingly said, "yeah, i've been known to Domme a time or two." once he moved past the typical leather and whips fantasy, we somehow got around to me telling him that no, i didn't think he would make a good Dom. (maybe you think i'm out of place, but belive me, tony would be a good submissive before he'd make a good Dom, and he wouldn't be a spectacular submissive either).

after that, he said, "so, you don't think i'd make a good dom, but you think i'm dominating."

now picture me chuckling and shaking my head. i kindly told him that no, i didn't think he was dominating at all and that there is a difference between being dominating and being a Dominant.

he replied with, "so you don't think i'd make a good dom. because i respect women and don't think they should be submissive unless they want to be and think they should be free?"

i bristled a bit at that, but i calmly explained a few more things to him. he seemed to take in the information, but it all got lost in processing. he eventually just didn't care and went back to his leather and whips talk.

so, going back to what i said at the beginning, i think there is a lot of black and white in the BDSM world and this is just one more part i've discovered. you either get it or you don't. i don't mean to be disrespectful by any means to anyone, but this conversation with tony just pushed me over that line of realization.

i believe that some people, whether or not they participate, just understand BDSM. the facets, the appeal, the inner workings. i also believe there are people who think they get it but really never will. no matter how much is researched by them or told to them by real people in the lifestyle, they simply can't and never will be able to really "get" it.

i hope this makes sense, but i really feel like this is the way it is.

wow

2006-06-19T16:50:00.000-12:00

i found this:

The Pet

on danea's blog. i would have never thought (but should have expected) someone would make a movie. i just have to wonder how much they will screw with things and how they will make BDSM look. looks interesting though.

oops!

2006-06-18T20:43:00.000-12:00

well, the collar i thought my mother threw away turned up tucked away, and i found it when i was actually looking for my orange scarf. oops! anyway, i don't think i've mentioned this before, but b and flowerpetal know about this place, so it doesn't matter if i post pics. (the issue before being one of them finding this place randomly and recognizing something. b more than flowerpetal, naturally, as he knows more about my body. ;) )

anyway, seeing as i have found the collar and anyone who has been reading here a while knows how much i looooove collars, i thought i'd post a pic. y'all get to see more than just a wrist this time. :) hope you like.

oh!

2006-06-15T19:59:00.000-12:00

i completely forgot! i got a tattoo a couple weeks ago and didn't post the pic!

this is on my right wrist. the top of the butterfly is at my wrist so when i look at it, it's facing the right way, but it's upside down if i'm holding my wrist out to someone else.

anyway, here's the little gem that took over three painful hours to do. but i love, love, love it.

poetry

2006-06-15T08:13:00.000-12:00

adam posted just a lovely poem that made me yearn to write some poetry of my own. not trying to show up his lovely words, mind you. i wrote this a bit ago, but i like it and at least i'm posting something, hm? i have a poetry blog, but i'm really not sure i'm entirely up to linking it. but, thanks to adam for inspiring me to post something. ps. i don't always rhyme. :)

The Best I Can

A butterfly,
true love's first kiss,
a child's cry,
and a starlight wish.

A dance in the rain.
The taste of a snowflake.
The beat of love and pain
a loving heart makes.

Sometimes darkness
surrounded by light.
Sometimes love guiding
others through night.

So accept me, love me
for who I am.
I am she
and she is the best I can.

broken butterfly

2006-06-11T11:14:00.000-12:00

it's been a while once again. no big surprise there, in my opinion. i feel like i don't have a lot to say lately. at all. i've had a lot of "you're so quiet" comments lately that i wonder if i talk way too much on my normal days. :)

i've been in a bit of a fog the past few days. weeks. yes, probably weeks now. i've been drifting, doing little things. writing, thank goodness. i need my writing. if i don't have my writing, i'm completely lost. not writing was the first red flag my counselor and i identified when we started talking about warnings that i need to talk to someone because my depression is getting bad.

i got a big shock a while back when i was reading Jo (aka Searabbit)'s blog. this post particularly. it was like being slapped in the face, but not too harshly. just a wake up call. wake up to what? i'm not exactly sure yet.

this is a bit from the post:

"(...) To those who are close to them, borderline patients appear to have random and unpredictable emotions...Borderline patients may become distraught at ordinary criticism, which they experience as a blow to self-esteem; may react with rage to a disappointment or minor slight; or may feel terror at a separation that they experience as virtual abandonment.(...)

(...) people with borderline personality disorder are unusually emotionally reactive. They may be content for a while, then become intensely angry or hopelessly depressed or unbearably anxious—each state, although intense, lasting only a few hours or a day.(...)

(...) To make themselves feel better, they act in ultimately counterproductive ways, using drugs or alcohol to soothe upset feelings, plunging promiscuously into sexual activity, turning their anger at themselves in self-destructive acts like cutting their arms or wrists, or indulging in impulsive gambling or binge eating. These measures may temporarily alleviate their distress, but they will bring destructive long-term consequences.(...)"

Larry J. Siever, M.D., and Harold W. Koenigsberg, M.D
CEREBRUM: THE DANA FORUM ON BRAIN SCIENCE
2000 (a PDF file)

i can't tell you how many times i read that post over and over. how there were things (though not everything) in that post that made me feel like i'd been caught at an action i didn't know i had been doing.

for a long time, i have been aware of two big emotions ruling my life: anger and fear. times not spent in those emotions were usually spent just feeling uncaring or experiencing what my mom fondly calls my "manic days" - high energy, making people laugh, can't sit still, and usually can't shut up.

the anger is...bad. it doesn't really come from anywhere from me and 99% of the time, b, who i usually vent at, has done absolutely nothing that should cause me to be mad at him. flowerpetal has gone through some of it...

anyway, i read that post and immediately had to know more. i've been doing research just because it'd be so nice to name this. label it. say, "i am angry a lot for no reason and this is why."

last night i talked with b about it. i directed him to a site that is for friends/family of those who have BPD just to see if he could identify. given that he's most often the victim/observer of my moods. having him look at things is a valuable part of my research. i don't think he's very happy to be looking, but i think it's for the best. i hate the way i treat him sometimes. flowerpetal is, as always, nothing but completely supportive and has volunteered to do anything she can to help me out in figuring things out.

a doctor's appointment is in order. one has been for a while for many different reasons, but now i have something else to add to the list. two things, actually. things flowerpetal suggested as a way to get things straightened out physically to help out the mental.

maybe i have this, maybe i don't, but i can't help but feel that at least researching is a good thing.

alphabet gratitude

2006-06-06T19:19:00.000-12:00

a lot of things have changed lately and a lot of things are due to change in the future. sometimes i feel like i'm waiting for something to happen while other times i feel like i'm being swept up in an endless number of changes in and around me.

at these times, i do whatever i can to get back to the basics in things. who i am. where i'm from. where i'm going. who i want to be.

so, this may seem a bit corny. maybe a bit useless. a bit boring to anyone who still reads here. BUT it helps center me, and if it can help just one person a tiny little bit, then i'll feel a purpose in my life has been served.

so here is a little thing called alphabet gratitude. it's pretty much self-explanatory.

A - apples. i love golden apples. nummy
B - b as in b who i have talked about on this blog before. b who has shown more heart and love in the past few weeks than i have known any human to contain
C - cottage cheese. i bought some today. yum yums
D - dancing. when i can't speak, can't write, can't sing, and can't sit still, i let the music take me and i dance. my purest form of expression
E - electricity. well, duh
F - flowers. the majority of them make me sneeze, but i still love them. and flowerpetal too. like a true sis, she doesn't give up on me easy
G - gowns. deep inside me in a place i like to try to hide, there is a princess, girly-girl. i'm grateful for my formal dances and the gowns i got to wear that made me feel like a princess
H - home. i haven't found my true one, but the concept is there and it keeps me going
I - innocence. it's better to live and learn most of the time, but people who can retain a childlike innocence are special indeed. i love that
J - jellybeans. sugar i don't need, but a nummy treat. i love the pear flavored ones
K - kisses. i eagerly await my first proper kiss. i guess i'm grateful for them because i'm a physically affectionate person and kisses are just one more physical way for me to show
L - love. i think love has taught me more in this life than any other person, place, or thing
M - mom. despite all i may say, i am grateful for her. she's not perfect, but she did damn well for coming from where she came from
N - 'n' is one of my brothers. he got me through some pretty rough times. we've drifted apart and that makes me sad, but i'll always remember what he's done
O - oven. i loooove the oven, though i don't do nearly enough baking
P - people. what are we without each other?
Q - questions. i live for questions.
R - romance. i am a romatic at heart and am grateful such a thing exists
S - songs. i live for questions, but i thrive on music. i write them, play them on various instruments, and listen to them
T - toast. (notice how many mentions of food i make? hehe) toast is about the only think i will eat when i'm really really sick. it also sustained me through some times when eating was the last thing i wanted to do
U - umbrellas. literal or metaphorical umbrellas always keep away the rain

i skip the last five because they usually just stray into rediculous things. i usually can't think of anything.

hello

2006-06-05T17:05:00.000-12:00

hi. i know i haven't been posting. sorry. there's just been a lot lately. what else is new?

what's happening

2006-06-01T17:48:00.000-12:00

as Y/you may have noticed, the majority of posts are gone.

i'm not trying to forget. everything that has happened this year has contributed to the woman i am today. our past makes us the people we are today. whether we learn from or resist where we've come from, it still influences what we do, what we say, even what we think.

i'm not perfect. those who read from the beginning, or even just the last month, know that. but i'm still me and in the end, "me" is all i have.

my life is at a crossroads of sorts. maybe not a crossroads, but i'm going to be making decisions that will influence the rest of my life. i'd have to be blind to not know that there are good options, bad options, and just a lot of hard work ahead of me. i don't know where i'm going or how it will all turn out, but all i can do is just hope for the best.

so, forgive me for deleting things. forgive that this blog will likely turn a bit boring in my life. but i'll still post. and maybe i'll even write a BDSM fantasy piece or two. *smile*

i also just want to thank everyone for the outpouring of kindness and offering to be cyber ears and shoulders for me through all of everything. it means the world to me. thank you all.

mememememe

2006-05-30T09:21:00.000-12:00

i'm just doing memes right now because they make me smile.

1. Who was your first prom date? i was never asked to the prom. i usually just went with friends and danced with whichever guys i felt like

2. Who was your first roommate(s)? a woman named e who i would really just rather forget

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? i haven't been completely drunk off my ass ever, but i'd have to say it was either vodka or some weird something or other my cousin gave me

4. What was your first job? a sort of secretary/assistant person

5. What was your first car? that i owned? a little hunk of junk sunbird

6. When did you go to your first funeral? my great-grandfather when i was very young

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? does it count if you moved back? if so, 18

8. Who was your first grade teacher? mrs. p

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? never been on one

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? never snuck out. i did come back extra late once, though, with my...third or fourth love

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? another woman named e. we aren't really now. i guess i'd say i don't have a Best friend at the moment. the only person i really told near everything was Master

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? a dorm room. hehe

13. Who's the first person you call when you have a bad day? no one, really. i've closed up a lot recently. more than the people closest to me realize. i suppose i might contact the Dom and sub who have "adopted" me if i had a really bad problem or something or needed advice

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? it would have been my cousin's, but i couldn't afford the dress, so i served as maid of honor and did all the running but didn't actually stand up for her during the ceremony... otherwise....my brother, i think

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? debate going back to sleep :P

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? with my friend e. a country concert

17. First tattoo or piercing? i got my ears pierced for the first time when i was for. my first tattoo was over a year ago

18. First celebrity crush? never really had one

19. Age of first kiss? forced and unwanted - about 13. wanted? never

20. First crush? i'll call him C. he was the bad boy. you know the rest

21. First time you did drugs? this year when i was having a hard time. it interfered with too much though, so i stopped pretty quick

Goodbye for now

2006-05-16T16:51:00.000-12:00

i know how all of you hate to see a blog just disappear or taper off without a goodbye, so this will have to stand as my goodbye.

Master R passed away because of a car accident recently.

i just... i just don't think i can.

love and hugs to all the wonderful people who have stood by my side through everything

love always,
butterfly

ps. after a very lovely email from sweet padme, i remembered just how much i care about the people i read even if we've never 'met'. so, this is not a goodbye forever. this is just a goodbye for now. i need some time before the next post, if i choose to post again, but i'll be commenting soon on everyone, so no slacking! *little smile* thank you everyone who has ever commented on this blog. i'll be back sometime.

Letters

2006-04-30T11:15:00.000-12:00

hello everyone! i can never stay away for long. all of you are like family *hugs* thanks for all of the comments and support.

anyway, i've seen this floating around and i thought it would be funny to comment on everyone's blogs and get lots of letters! hehehe.

Comment, and I shall give you a letter. Go back to your journal, and write ten words beginning with that letter, including an explanation what the word means to you and why.

from danae:

H

from taylor:

T

from k:

K

[edit]

F from Rick's toy and S from padme soon to come! (Done!!)

H
1. Home - i have a bit of an obsession with finding a home and settling down
2. Ham - hehehe. yum
3. Homemaker - with a twist, that's what i want to be. (along with my writing and web design stuff, of course)
4. Hehe - i giggle. a lot. lots and lots and lots. i can't help myself
5. Helium - i've sucked helium before and made my voice all funny. hehehe.
6. Hope - i try to have as much of it as possible, no matter how much of a pessimist i try to appear to be.
7. HTML - i loooove HTML code. i keep teaching myself new things and have made a couple of baby websites. i loooove it.
8. Halo - has anyone seen mine? lol
9. Hold/held - i'm physically affectionate, if you're the right person. i love holding people and i love being held. i have always believed that touch can say so much more than words.
10. Happy - like anyone else, i just want to be happy

T
1. time - it goes too fast or it doesn't go fast enough. either way, i'm usually never satisfied with it.
2. temper - i have quite a temper
3. ticklish - i am the most ticklish person i have ever encountered. i'm sooooo ticklish.
4. tease - i'm a flirt, a tease, and a little seductress. hehehe.
5. technology - i've taken quite well to it, though i admire the talents of those like miss mija
6. tipsy - i've never been drunk. only tipsy. i swear. hehehe
7. think - i think. constantly. aaaall the time. about pretty much anything and everything. i think it just goes with the curiousity.
8. tape - something i like to use on Master when He's fucktoy. hehehe
9. tattoo - i got my first tattoo a bit over a year ago and will most likely have my second within a year.
10. touch - i am very touch-oriented

K
1. Kisses - of course. well... i'll tell a secret... this butterfly has never been kisssed
2. k - (and by extension Irch) the first people i linked. hehe. i still remember Irch thanking me for the link and saying He'd refer me to His k
3. ketchup - yes, i am one of the horrible ketchup users! horrible!
4. kittens - kitties! i love kittens. too bad i'm allergic. *sigh*
5. K-Mart - that's probably going to be my summer job. lovely.
6. katana - a katana is a type of sword i've always wanted
7. karma - i very much believe in karma and have had experiences i attribute to it
8. knowledge - i value knowledge a lot. everything from knowing what
9. kidney stones - BLECK. i was reminded of my experience (at 12 years old, no less) when i read about poor mija having them. yuck, yuck, yuck.
10. kind - i'm not perfect, i'm not always nice, but i truly hope that for every time i am mean, there are ten times more when i am kind.

F
1. forgetful - i'm terribly forgetful. i forget all manner of things all the time
2. fate - i like to think that not everything, but some things are meant to happen
3. fun - as most of you know, Master and i love to have fun. we're like a couple of kids
4. flowers - i'm a girly girl when it comes to flowers. i'm allergic to a lot of them, but i just love flowers. white lillies and roses especially
5. fuck - the first curse word i ever uttered. honestly
6. fine - it's what i say when i need a little bit of needling to confess what's on my mind
7. freckles - or as i like to call them, sunspots. i have them on my cheek and the form the constellation 'little dipper'. i also have the same formation on my left arm
8. friendly - i like to think i am... most of the time
9. follow - i follow more than i lead, it seems, lately
10. firsts - firsts are important to me. i'm quite sentimental

S
1. sparklers! - i love sparklers! when i was little, i used to light two at a time, put on some music, and do a sort of lightshow dance with them. hehe
2. sentimental - i am extremely sentimental. enough said
3. silly - i'm very, very silly. hehe
4. sprinkles - i make analogies about sprinkles. long story.
5. solitude - i value solitude, sometimes. we all need 'me' time
6. songs - i put songs because i don't have 'm' so i can't put music. i love singing songs (when no one can hear) and i love listening to them. i'm obsessed with music
7. strength - i need strength in others more than i'd like to admit
8. slowdance - i love slowdancing, but i haven't done it in ages
9. snowflakes - along with raindrops, i like to catch them on my tongue and i think it's funny when they land on my nose
10. soulmates - i believe people grow into being soulmates. growing and learning together

another tag

2006-04-26T09:58:00.000-12:00

i got this one off Hana's blog, who got it from anissa... might be fun, hm?

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me.

It can be anything you want BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people don’t ACTUALLY remember about you.

Come on…I dare ya! ;)

for G

2006-04-20T04:30:00.000-12:00

as requested, G

"pet"

http://www.formosa-translation.com/chinese/p/pzz119.html

edit - oopsie. butterly really really isn't thinking whatsoever today *sigh*

asking for help

2006-04-12T03:44:00.000-12:00

so much for not posting for a while. still, after this, i will be off my entry every three days assignment schedule.

in two days, it will be a week since i have been able to consume solid food and be able to keep it down. liquids like water, milk, and sometimes gatorade (which i drink to try to keep my easily dehydrated body hydrated) seem to go down and settle down with only some nausea to deal with afterward. otherwise, i am merely slave to heaving at any time during the day.

last night i started a note, of which nature i would rather not say, and i thought it would be short. however, the list of people i had something to say to (i love you, i'm sorry, thank you) kept growing and growing, and i realized just how many people i have in my life. just how many people would be more than willing to help me if i just reached up my hand and asked for help.

i don't like asking for help. i think i am a bother and a burden to others if i do.

so, with that said, i logged onto blogger without thinking and started this entry, not stopping my typing for a moment. later, i will probably think about it too much and debate deleting this, but for now, while i can still do it...

i'm asking for help. a smile for someone who doesn't have one, a hug for someone who wants nothing more to be touched, well wishes for someone who may not deserve them...

i may have done nothing to deserve them or earn such attention, but this is butterfly, asking for help.

wings of change

2006-03-27T12:47:00.000-12:00

reading Master Cloud's blog lately has gotten me thinking a lot. i find it very amusing that my name from Master is butterfly. but on to more important things.

so. change.

everything changes. the world. people. relationships. it's a wonder we all maintain the level of sanity we have with all this change happening all the time.

i was talking to Master about change and we got to a point when He said, "I just realize how short life is." my immediate response (in my head) was, "so what are You going to do about it?" this was a strange response for me because i'm usually not aggressive in that way when i'm not fighting for something. in all honesty, i'm usually on the other side of it, people (namely His flower petal) asking me what i am going to do about things. i think that's actually the first time i've had that particular response to anything, really.

so that's what got me thinking and has me typing this post. change. life's all about change, isn't it?

i was reading Cloud talking about the butterfly effect. if you don't know it, an example is a butterfly fluttering around in China can cause a tornado in the US. that's the basic idea behind it - we all effect each other in ways we can't imagine. if you want a good read that deals with this, read the book called "The Five People You Meet in Heaven." i liked it. Cloud read it too.

anyway, i rather like the theory. be it a butterfly and the wind or a stone in a pond. the reason you're alive today could be because someone acidentally tripped your grandmother who was a waitress at a diner and she accidently spilled some soda on your grandfather. who was that person? you'll never know, but s/he is the reason you're here today.

i was a golden rule nazi when i was a kid. i always thought about treating others the way i wanted to be treated. i'm really not sure how it got so ingrained in my mind, but that's the way it was for me. that was of thinking also got me a few of the friends i still have to this day. i like to think that the flapping of my wings did only good things then.

but i'm a bigger butterfly with bigger wings now. there are ultimately more consequences to what i do and what i say. i've found that the older i get, the less i remember the golden rule. perhaps because i find that others forget it more and more too. another thought for another time.

each change is a wingbeat. each word and action is a wingbeat. there is the initial breeze, but there is also everything, the line of dominoes, effected by that wingbeat. a lot of wingbeats are unintentional, unknown, and as natural as breathing. however, there are those wingbeats you are all to aware of. more and more of them as you grow older. sometimes you keep your wings still. other times you beat your wings for the hell of it. either causes a line of reactions you can neither forsee nor ask for.

there are a lot of things i could beat my wings about. isn't it that way for everyone? sometimes i just want to beat my wings and say screw the conequences (hello world, i am a sub!), but i don't. why? because, to keep on with the metaphor, i know i couldn't handle myself if i knew i and no other caused the tornadoes. still, i think about it in a different context as well.

take fire. fires can be horrible and excessively destructive, but for many places - take the US plains - it's a good and often vital thing for the environment. so would the initial destruction of certain wingbeats be for the ultimate good?

simply put, i often wonder, especially over the past couple of months, about beating my wings. are there times i did and shouldn't have? are there times I didn't and should have?

i remember another book i read when i was younger. in it a girl asked, "so how does the butterfly know when to move its wings?" i think the answer at the end of the book is an appropriate ending to this entry.

how does the butterfly know when to flap its wings? it doesn't; it just flaps its wings and just hopes for the best.

i suppose i'll have a go

2006-03-21T06:00:00.000-12:00

also, for Master CLoud, i propose a solution to being unable to respond to this little tag. select eighteen of Your tapes/cd’s etc (or better yet, have someone else select them without knowing what You are doing) and put them in random order. then, go through them and use song one off the first tape/cd for the first question, the second song of the second cd for the second question, so on and so forth. hope that serves if You care to play this tag.

mkay. onto play.

and butterfly’s results...

1. How does the world see Me?
“When I’m Gone” - Eminem
that’s incredibly depressing

2. Will I have a happy life?
“Broken Wings” - Martina McBride
maybe i shouldn’t be doing this quiz… or i should go and off myself

3. What do My friends really think of Me?
“Unusually Unusual” - Lonestar
sounds about right

4. Do people secretly lust after Me? (i’m scared of this one…)
“Ashes” - Socialburn
erm…? a song about being stood up?

5. How can I make Myself happy?
“Goodbye Love” - Rent
well damn. that just plain sucks

6. What should I do with My life?
“Perfect World” - Simple Plan
*sigh*

7. Will I ever have children?
“That’s just Jesse” - Kevin Denney
okay, a song about remembering the dead. wonderful

8. What is some good advice for Me?
“Shut Up” - Simple plan
i think i’m going to cry

9. How will I be remembered?
“Listen to Your Heart” - DHT
well that makes sense if Y/you know me - title, not lyrics

10. What is My signature dancing song?“When I close my eyes” - Kenny Chesney
*sigh* a slow song

11. What do I think My current theme song is?
“Safe in the arms of love” - Martina McBride

12. What does everyone think My current theme song is?
“Over”- Sugarcult
ouch

13. What song will play at My funeral?
“My Angel” - Brooks and Dunn

14. What type of men do I like?
“Me against the world” - Simple Plan
huh. sounds about right as i listen to the song

15. What is My day going to be like?
“Drink, Swear, Steal, and Lie” - Michael Peterson
well, suppose i should get dressed then.

16. Will I ever love again?
“I need You” - Leanne Rimes
guess so then

17. What type of sex do you like? (this one should be interesting...)
“Feels like Today” - Rascal Flatts
hehehehe. oh really?

18. What song will be the title of your own porno movie?
“You Raise me up” - Josh Groban
tee hee. indeed

hehe

2006-02-20T13:39:00.000-12:00

i saw this on littleone's blog and i simply had to do it.

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.
Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

collars!

2006-02-03T11:16:00.002-12:00

hehehe. yes, the ! was deliberate. i have had this entry planned for a while and i'm still excited about it. collars are not only an important symbol in BDSM, but... well, i'll admit it. i like shiny things. haha. i couldn't help myself.

actually, the truth of the matter is that i have been quite interested in collars, all the different types and the symbolism of them. i've done a bit of looking around out of curiousity and figured i'd list some of the stuff i found.

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravencollar.htm - this is an article, appropriately named 'what is a collar?' i reference this site a lot, but a direct jump is pleasant, i should think.

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/lcaseythecollar.htm - this is a very to-the-point piece that also gives examples of different types of collars.

there are, of course, other articles about collaring on that site, but i liked those two the best.

http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/sub_collars.php3 - just in case you are getting sick of the other website, this is another article that touches on what collars are and what they mean.

http://bondage.com/id/8/which/330/show_column.html - i also found this quite helpful when exploring the world of collars and their symbolism. quite informative, and the home site is also interesting to explore.

and on to the shiny stuff... just kidding. i spent hours looking for collar sites that didn't have collars quite so... obvious. i figure i might direct you to a few of my more favored sites and save you a bit of wading.

http://www.wylde.com/_bdsm/cg050001.htm - some of these are a bit out there in my opinion, but there are a couple traditional studded leather collars.

http://www.sblades.com/ - now this site i love. it has a lot of different kinds of chainmail jewelry. what does that have to do with collars? well, a collar does not have to be a collar in the technical sense.

http://www.ssaxtoys.com/BDSM%20Jewelry.htm - this site also has a wide variety of bondage jewelry, quite a bit of which isn't along the lines of obviously hardcore BDSM jewelry.

http://www.bondagecollars.com/bondagecollars.htm - this site is smaller and limited, but it has some quite interesting and even some quite beautiful pieces. it also has a variety of different kinds of pieces.

deciding on a collar, or what will serve as a collar, is a very special thing. picking out a collar is a big experience for both Dom and sub, no matter what kind of collar it is. from your training collar to your formal collar, getting each is, or should be, a bonding experience.

enjoy.

despite recent events...

2006-01-19T09:56:00.000-12:00

...i still want to continue on. this post will have a bunch of links that i have found extremely useful in my research.

http://www.answers.com/topic/domination-submission - this isn't the first site i found, but it is a very useful introduction into the BDSM world. it has a clear overview to get you started.

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/journeysub.htm - this site is so very useful. it has an amazing assortment of all kinds of information. i have yet to go though every single part of this site.

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/subrightsa.htm - if you don't want to go through that entire site, at least take a look at this. it's a list of the rights of a submissive. it's very informative and can bring you some ease if you are unsure of just what to expect for yourself in a proper BDSM relationship.

http://www.soulhuntre.com/items/date/2005/12/22/10-iiotic-bdsm-commandments/ - this is actually one of the first things i found and i am glad i did. it's something that can at least get you into the feel of your research.

http://www.128basicslaverules.blogspot.com/ - the 128 rules guy has a blog that is somewhat like this, but focuses on the technical and the common sense things you need to get acquainted with. at least briefly scan through for things that are especially relevant to you.

http://www.janesguide.com/newlinks/subblogs.html - this is a collection of blogs and journals of people practicing some sort of BDSM in the role of a submissive. reading other people's experience can be good for figuring out what you might and might not like.

http://www.janesguide.com/newlinks/domblogs.html - this is a collection of Dom blogs. it is vitally important that you not only research about being a sub but look into dominance and Doms. figure out what you like. figure out what a proper Dom is like vs some schmuck who likes to call himself a master.

http://dominantseventh.blogspot.com/ - having said the above, here is the blog of a Dom you might like to take a look at. Doms don't have to be scary. they only bite sometimes...

http://www.lsblogs.com/index.php?c=481 - this is a small list of BDSM blogs. but, if you wish, you can create your own blog and submit it for the list.

http://www.answers.com/topic/list-of-bdsm-terms - with a new culture comes a new language to learn. this doesn't have absolutely everything (i've come to discover) but it is pretty darn thorough and extremely helpful to the novice sub.

http://www.sirknightsrealm.com/OurContract.htm - while every contract will and very well should be different, here is an example. maybe it will do for you what it did for me and give you a big reality check of what you might be getting into.

that's all for now. i sincerely hope it's all helpful.

Learning to fly

Last Post

A Letter

HHNTB!

unconscious mutterings

without you ~ RENT

unconscious mutterings

where is my soapbox?

a little late...

More Thoughts

life's a dance

*sigh*

Unconscious Mutterings

scattered thoughts

unconscious mutterings

adam in the shower!!

guess who went to the doctor

learning to speak

unconscious mutterings

life songs

made for a desk job

saying hi

addicted to tags

people

Unconscious Mutterings

Black and White

wow

oops!

oh!

poetry

The Best I Can

broken butterfly

alphabet gratitude

hello

what's happening

mememememe

Goodbye for now

Letters

another tag

for *G*

asking for help

wings of change

i suppose i'll have a go

hehe

You Are a Newborn Soul

collars!

despite recent events...

sigh

for G