Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Last Post

i suppose i saw it coming. i didn't want to, but so goes life.

butterfly is saying goodbye.

life has become a little too much for me and i feel like submission doesn't come to play in my life like it should. there are too many things that are flying all over the place and without a Master's active hand to control the chaos so i don't have to, i find that i need to stand with my b and my flowerpetal instead of kneeling at their feet. i don't want to stand, but i will do what i must and hopefully become a better person all around for it.

before i leave, i just want to say a few things. first, i'll be leaving this blog up. maybe someday i'll come back and document my travels through this life once more. also, if anyone wants to check up on my day-to-day, my vanilla blog is at

and now, the blogroll.

CLoud - from the beginning, i looked up to You as both a Master and a wise Man. You inspired my thoughts and encouraged me in expanding my mind. i thank You very much for that.

Adam - we haven't known each other for long, which is another reason i am sad to go. keep writing your beautiful poetry, and don't worry, eve is just around the next corner.

MasterABD - You've always presented Your thoughts as clearly as i think possible. i admire how You speak Your mind, but don't seek to impose Your beliefs on others.

pet - we had some funny times. i still remember the discovery of two pets and two Master Rs. i'm sorry we kind of dropped off after...everything. i wish you and your Master the best of everything.

caitlin - i'm not sure if you've ever read here, but i've enjoyed reading your adventures, even if i don't comment.

Roper of Confessions - i've always found You a bit intimidating, to be honest, but i've loved reading Your blog. Your strength in Your words is very impressive to me.

danae - i love how you post like a diary. the day-to-day along with the BDSM. it shows a balance.

Irch and k - *BIG HUGS* gosh, i'm going to miss you two. yours was my first link, remember? it seems like so much has happened since then. ups and downs for all of us. keep the love going, you two, though you hardly need me telling you to.

tigerbites - i know we don't know each other very well, but you've always come off as such a sweetie. best wishes to you.

Rick's toy - i've always enjoyed your posts and felt like i was right there with you through all of your adventures. thank you for journaling.

ling - sweet, sweet ling. back at the beginning, i remember how my heart broke when you left CLoud's stable. i barely knew you, but i felt for you just the same. i wish only the very best for you.

Miss Mija - you're such a sweetie! best of all things to you, sister. heaven knows you deserve it.

If the Collar Fits - i've been reading for a short time, but what i've read, i've liked.

this girl - you appear as a beatiful being with a young soul through your words. i wish you the best in your journey.

padme and Anakin - more whom i will miss greatly. my heart has always gone out to you, sweet padme. remember you are beautiful and you are never alone. Anakin, Your photography has inspired me to pick up my camera again. thank You much for that.

Just Me - another i've been reading a short time, but one i have greatly enjoyed reading.

slave annissa - never with any other blog have my eyes widened as much or me cheeks turned rosy before. continue on your journey - it's a good one.

Ravenna - you are a beautiful writer. please, please never ever stop writing.

Magdelena - i hope things are okay for you and i hope they will forever get better. you reached out to a complete stranger who needed it. for that, i will be forever grateful.

L - write more often! ;)

Sir and littleone - yours were among the first blogs i read and kept reading since. i wish you both the best in your journey.

Tea and Oranges - i found you via Irch and have loved reading your entries. i hope you never stop.

hana - yours is always an enjoyable read. relax, be well, and best wishes.

slave lucy - i'm glad you bypassed your shyness in order to share your journey with Master Michael with us.

intricate pieces - your entries always make me feel something, and that is the goal of any writer. thank you for writing.

Tulsa - i'm sorry to have to leave. i feel like we could be gal pals or something, you know? be well

Taylor - i've always, always enjoyed reading your writing. best of luck in all you pursue. i'll be peeking in. ;)

but remember, this isn't really goodbye, it's just until next time...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

A Letter

Dear E,

You wrote M an apology letter and he decided to forward it to me and P. I don’t know what P thought of it, but I didn’t really care one way or the other. I couldn’t find it within myself to feel anything. Since he forwarded that email, I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind if I really don’t care, or if I’ve just pushed everything down deep so I just feel like I don’t care.

I don’t know whether or not I forgive you, as I begin to type this. I don’t know whether or not I forgive you or it’s that I just don’t care anymore. Maybe a combination of the two. Either way, I neither wanted nor needed your apology. You did horrible things and manipulated us all in ways we probably still don’t talk to each other completely about. I am ashamed to say that I was the most easily manipulated. You manipulated me into jealousy of P and into thinking M wanted to use me, not love me. I have trust issues and, unfortunately, you figured it out long before I did. You used it against me to move me into a position where I was solely dependent on you.

You used P against me. Oh, I bet it frustrated you when you realized my trust issues mostly lie in men. At first you tried to make me jealous because you acting jealous of M moderated my behavior with him so well. You’d tell me about her songs and about the things you’d talk about with her. I didn’t get jealous, though, did I? I knew that I should be jealous, but I wasn’t really. Then you turned into the victim you’d molded me into being to get me away from M. You told me how she didn’t understand you and how bad she was for you. You’d tell me the issues, the fights, everything. It didn’t make sense.

You got me so confused that I didn’t know which way to turn. You wrote about how much you loved her just to keep me sad enough to need to come to you. Then you’d tell me how much you’d always love me even after you married her. Then you “crashed” when I told you I refused to be “the other woman” with a married man. You moved me into a corner where I wanted to reach out to her, my sister, but I was afraid to do so. You made me miserable when she was hurting and I tried to get you to at least talk to her and make her feel better. You kept me from offering the full comfort I so wanted to give to her.

You made me think M thought of me as a figurehead, not as a woman. His woman. You made me feel like he would sacrifice me at the tip of a hat if it could get him what he wanted. No matter how much I battled you on it, you fed the fire and twisted his words to make me believe. You convinced me that I didn’t know the ways of men so you would protect me from my ignorance. My ignorance always seemed to do with M. You made every little hurt inflicted by him seem like the end of the world. You did that so much that I truly begin to wonder if perhaps I was being treated that badly and just didn’t realize it.

I wanted nothing more than to protect you and you used that against me. You let me become a monster in M and P’s eyes. You let me sacrifice myself more times than I can count to save you, and then you laughed about it while I cried. You crashed every time I started having a good time with M so I had to cut him off even more so you wouldn’t “suicide” or go back to your “drugs”. Every time I got even a little close to exposing you, you’d crash and appeal to the nurturer in me so I wouldn’t say anything more. You told me all of the things M and P were supposedly saying behind my back. You even learned to use what M said about getting me healthier as a weapon. You would use his words to mean that if he wanted to change me, he didn’t really love me.

I don’t trust easily - especially men - but somehow you got me to trust you. To you I revealed my childhood, I gave you my trust, I let you lead me through all I was curious about. And you could hurt me with a single word. With all that, you still let me suffer. When I did anything self-injury, you didn’t try to understand why I was doing it; you gave me an ultimatum: If I did it, you got to. Then, when you needed to manipulate me some more, you went ahead and “confessed” to doing it anyway. When I overdosed on codeine trying to commit suicide, all you did was tell me the signs of overdose. When I had all the signs, never once did you encourage me to get out of bed and call an ambulance. I was so out of it, all you would have had to do was say, “butterfly, call an ambulance.” But you didn’t, and had I died, it would have been on your hands.

E, the twenty-year-old butterfly couldn’t care less about what you did. It happened and now I have to deal with the consequences. The twenty-year-old me has pretty much past what happened and just wants to forget and move on. But, I’m not just me. I am a being of the past, present, and future. The present and the future don’t care anymore, but I revealed something to you that I can never un-reveal to you: the little girl in me. The four-year-old me… Had you physically done to a four-year-old what I feel you did emotionally to my inner child, you would be jailed. You gave the child butterfly a safe place to turn to and promised it would be there forever. She trusted that and you.

I have not and will never tell all that happened in the time you were busy being malicious and evil. That is something I can’t deal with right now. All I’ll say is that you did all but destroy the four-year-old within. You gave her sunshine and safety, and then took it all away. You repeated my life history. You raped a little girl and left her naked, abused, violated, and not knowing what she did wrong to deserve such treatment but somehow “knowing” she deserved it anyway.

So maybe I forgive you, maybe I don’t. That’s for me to deal with. You deal with what you did and I’ll deal with all you did to me. But let me make it clear that I don’t want to see you or even hear a whisper of your name. Ever. You will never be a part of my life again.


Thursday, August 10, 2006


Uh, butterfly, isn't it just supposed to be HNT?

Why, yes, dear reader - on any other Thursday. But today is a special Thursday.

HHNTB = Happy Half-Nekkid Thurday Birthday :D

That's right; butterfly has turned the ripe old age of 20. In honor of the occasion, I decided to take part and share a pic. Not too revealing, but i have my slave bracelet on. Hope y'all like.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

unconscious mutterings

feel free to play along

  1. Affair :: cheater

  2. Package :: bomb

  3. Warner :: brothers

  4. Drop :: dead

  5. Balance :: juggle

  6. Shore :: sea

  7. Confirmation :: yes

  8. Nose :: broken

  9. Talking :: endlessly

  10. Bend :: over

Friday, August 04, 2006

without you ~ RENT

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom,
The children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.

The world revives,

Colors renew,

But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue

Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.

Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walks, the lungs breath.
The mind churns!

The mind churns!

The heart yearns!

The heart yearns!

The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
'Cause I die, without you.

Without you.

Without you.

Without you

Sunday, July 30, 2006

unconscious mutterings

  1. Italy :: bread

  2. Honk :: your horn

  3. Shades :: of grey

  4. Tool :: used

  5. Modern :: technology

  6. Tension :: ever present

  7. Conservative :: tight

  8. Weight :: loss

  9. Insurance :: policy

  10. Political :: person

Friday, July 28, 2006

where is my soapbox?

MasterABD of Alternative Albany asks why do people blog. He reasons that most people who blog have a private journal where they write their real thoughts and feelings.

i couldn't agree more.

i sat thinking about why i blog and i came up with a couple reasons.

first, blogging gives me connections. i like knowing that can identify with what's going on with people all over the world.

second, i like having a place to put stuff. jokes, my unconscious muttering posts, and things i think might make people who come across my blog smile.

third... i tend to like to preach. blogging is my soapbox. i've been told that if i don't like giving speeches, i should at least write them. well, i do, kind of. and i put them here.

so...why do YOU blog?